


Respect

by ArchangelEquinox



Category: Mass Effect
Genre: Attempt at Humor, F/M, Fluff and Humor, Humor, Interspecies Awkwardness, Mass Effect 2, Pre-Relationship, Sexual Humor
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-10-04
Updated: 2016-10-04
Packaged: 2018-08-19 10:57:45
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,973
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8203196
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ArchangelEquinox/pseuds/ArchangelEquinox
Summary: After a conversation involving not a few bad pick-up lines and gun-related metaphors, Shepard seeks out Joker's advice on what to do about her less-than-stellar relationship skills.





	

**Author's Note:**

> Ah, my first foray into Mass Effect fic. Drop me a note and let me know how I did, and thanks for reading!

            Shepard dropped into the co-pilot seat with a sigh, the bridge of her nose pinched between her fingers.  She didn’t really know why she was up here.   Her cabin would have been safer; she could lock the doors after all, whereas here all anyone would have to do was look and they’d find her.   

            And after that conversation, a particular someone just might be looking for her. 

            Joker kept shooting her glances from the pilot’s seat.  They weren’t doing anything that EDI couldn’t handle, so his hands weren’t flying over the controls as they so often were, but that didn’t stop him from sitting there.  To monitor the AI, he claimed, but Shepard knew he just couldn’t bear to let anyone else fly his baby. 

            She’d been sitting there in silence for too long now, pondering the inevitable crash and burn of her personal life after her resurrection.  Too many people – Tali, Kaiden, even Anderson a little – had balked at her sudden reappearance.  Joker blamed himself for getting her killed, even if he wouldn’t say it, but thankfully his twisted sense of humor had brought their friendship roaring back to life along with her zombie-body. 

            Only Garrus had reacted like she was still _her_. 

            And now she’d gone and fucked that up too. 

            Beside her, Joker cleared his throat, and Shepard shook herself out of her thoughts. 

            “Nice of you to join me, Commander.”  She could see that smirk from here.  

            Well, no sense in putting it off.  She was loathe to admit she needed advice, and even more hesitant to get it from Joker.  But she trusted him, almost as much as she trusted Garrus, and she didn’t have anyone else.  “Can I ask you something?” 

            He didn’t even hesitate.  “Yes, I have footage of Gabby and Donnelly doing it, and no, I haven’t looked.” 

            “Uh...” 

            EDI flickered to life before Shepard could formulate a response.  “While Shepard's increased heart rate and elevated core temperature could be indicative of sexual arousal, I doubt she is interested in pornographic pursuits of her subordinates, Mr. Moreau.” 

            “EDI!” Shepard dropped her face into her hands.  This was a terrible idea. 

            Joker, however, shrugged.  “Oh.  Well, then yes I have a subscription to Fornax, and no you can’t borrow it.”  He shot her a grin.  “Get your own.” 

            Again she was speechless. 

            Luckily EDI wasn’t.  “I believe this now falls under the descriptive parameters for 'inappropriate behavior,' Mr. Moreau.” 

            “Yeah, Eds, you think?” 

            Shepard gave herself a shake.  Normally she was right there with Joker, teasing him about that illicit subscription being on her ship without him sharing.  Today was not a normal day. 

            She sighed.  The weight of humanity on her shoulders, and she was flustered by a turian.  “I appreciate the look-out, EDI, but I actually have a question for Joker.  A real one,” she added, giving the pilot a look as he opened his mouth. 

            For a moment, the hologram was silent.  To Shepard, it sounded like every other hesitation before someone reminded her of the rules.  She’d been getting that a lot lately. 

            “Commander Shepard, I should remind you that while we are not currently an Alliance vessel, their fraternization regulations regarding inter-personal relationships on board the Normandy are still a highly relevant and recommended protocol.” 

            “EDI!” 

            “Logging you out, Commander,” the AI said, and she could have sworn it was reluctant. 

            Joker had been listening with glee, and now his smirk was bigger than ever.  “I sure hope you aren’t here to proposition me, Commander.” 

            She gave him a sideways look.  “I’m not planning on it, but let me get my question out before you say no, Joker.” 

            “Not making me feel better.”  He twisted to look at her, one eyebrow raised.  For a moment, Shepard remembered why she liked Joker so much – his flippant remarks bothered some of the Alliance brass, but to her he was like a younger brother, all sarcasm with no real malice.  

            She was in the midst of this thought when he cleared his throat.  “Well? Going to make me feel dirty or not?” 

            No time like the present to blurt something out inappropriately.  Again.  “Joker, would you fuck someone just because you respect them?” 

            His eyes went wide, his jaw slack for a moment before that grin settled back over his features.  “Wow, Commander, I can’t believe EDI was right.” 

            “Not you!  Someone… else.” 

            He huffed, turning his seat back around to face the stars.  “Now I’m just insulted.”  She moved to punch him before she thought better of it and knocked his hat off instead.  “Hey!” 

            Re-settling his hat on his head took several long minutes of irritated muttering and at least two assurances that she hadn’t ruined his hair.  He ignored her grumble of, “What does that matter? You can’t see it under the hat anyway.” 

            “It’s important to me, okay?”  He ran his hands over the back of the cap one last time.  “Now you going to fill me in, or what?” 

            Shepard put her feet up on the Normandy’s dash and stared out at the stars.  She’d never found answers in them before, but she'd never thought she’d be asking Joker for relationship advice either.  “I don’t really want to.” 

            “Commander, you cannot leave me hanging like that!” 

            EDI flickered to life again.  “I must agree with Mr. Moreau, Commander.” 

            Shepard gave the hologram a dirty look.  “I thought you logged me out, EDI.” 

            “Apologies, Commander,” the AI replied but she did not acknowledge the command.  Shepard rolled her eyes.  Privacy was a thing of the SR-1, apparently. 

            “Well?”  Joker prompted, and she sighed again. 

            “It’s… awkward, Joker.” 

            “And this conversation isn’t?”  He gave her that look again, eyebrow still raised to emphasize the smirk.  “At least reassure poor EDI that you aren’t trying to take advantage of me.” 

            Behind them, EDI popped back up.  “Mr. Moreau, I can assure that I am not –” 

            “Kidding, thing! Geez.”  Shepard laughed.  She’d missed this easy banter with Joker, what with being dead and all.  At least something about the Normandy hadn’t changed. 

            And despite all her efforts to steer her feelings elsewhere, nothing had changed there either.  “It’s Garrus.” 

            This time his jaw really was slack with surprise.  “… Maybe I _should_ give you that subscription to Fornax.” 

            “I knew this was a bad idea.”  She buried her face in her hands, Joker’s delighted cackle echoing through the cockpit.  He let her simmer in her embarrassment for a minute before he settled. 

            “Okay seriously.  What happened?” 

            Her voice was muffled by her hands, but she refused to make eye contact.  “I don’t even…” 

            This time, his voice was much more comforting, and she almost looked up just to be sure it was still coming from Joker’s mouth.  “Shep. It’s no secret you two like each other.”  She heard the smile as it filtered into his voice.  “I’m pretty sure even the Illusive Man knows it.” 

            The thought of the Illusive Man watching her make awkward comments about reach and flexibility was enough to make her want to jump out the airlock, Alchera or no. 

            Joker scrambled to backtrack.  “Not that he's watching, or anything. I mean, why would he? Except that he spent billions of credits rebuilding you so really he'd just be protecting his investment, and while I don't like it, that does make some kind of sick sense, and …”

            EDI’s intrusion was almost a relief.  “Mr. Moreau, Commander Shepard's blood pressure has risen to dangerous levels.  I would suggest you cease your discussion of the Illusive Man's potential interest in her inter-personal relationships.” 

            Joker immediately clamped his mouth shut.  “Sorry.”  Shepard, for her part, had managed to keep her own mouth shut; her temper flared brighter since her re-building or whatever it was, and she didn’t want to say anything she’d regret. 

            Well – anything _else_. 

            Sufficiently chastised, Joke fiddled with something on the console for a while before he risked a glance at her.  “So…” he began cautiously, his usual cheek just under his words.  “Are you going to tell me what happened, or are we just going to hope the Collectors strike before you have to figure it out?” 

            She rolled her eyes, relieved to see there was no lasting damage.  “Don’t jinx us, Joker,” she muttered before taking another deep breath.  “Okay.  So… apparently people are aware that I may or may not have a little bit of a crush on Garrus?” 

            He snorted.  “Could you say that in a more non-committal way, Commander?  You know, just in case the Council checks up on it later.” 

            “Don’t be an ass,” she grumbled, but there was no malice in it.  As quickly as she could, Shepard told him what had happened.  Some of it – like the relief in her heart when she first saw Garrus again on Omega – she kept to herself, but she surprised herself with her open admission of her developing crush.  It was just too easy to get lost talking about the turian. 

            To her immense relief, she got all the way to her pitiful line about ‘easing tension’ before Joker couldn’t hold in his laughter.  Even then, it wasn’t until she told him Garrus’s equally pitiful respond of “Why the hell not? There’s no one I respect more,” that he outright groaned. 

            “Oh, Garrus, buddy,” he muttered, rubbing his hand over his beard.  “I know turians have a stick up their ass about everything, but come on.  Respect?” 

            Validation flooded through her.  “Right?!  Way to make a girl feel wanted.” 

            She didn’t continue.  That was it; she’d made a hasty retreat from the battery and eventually come up here to plop her ass in the co-pilot’s seat and feel sorry for herself.  Some part of her reminded her that she shouldn’t – he hadn’t turned her down after all, and after a line like that, she almost deserved it – but she couldn’t shake the feeling that this wasn’t how things were supposed to go.

            “Oh my god.  It was a booty call.  I asked my best friend for a booty call.”  It wasn’t until Joker collapsed into a fit of giggles that she realized she’d spoken aloud.  “Fuck me,” she groaned, one hand over her face as she sank further down into the seat. 

            “No thanks, you got a turian for that,” her pilot replied, and despite herself, Shepard laughed. 

            Soon enough, their laughter died away, and there was silence again while Joker actually had to do something to fly the ship.  Shepard wasn’t convinced it was really necessary, but she let it go unmentioned. 

            He didn’t make eye contact when he finally spoke.  “You know he’s probably just nervous, right?” 

            Shepard snorted.  “No way.  He’s Garrus – he’s been my best friend since the SR-1.” 

            “Right,” Joker said, nodding.  “And then it got destroyed by the same baddies we're hunting now and you were dead for two years.  I know you're back and still you and all, but that's intimidating as shit.”

            “Really? To Garrus?” 

            The pilot gave her a sideways look, whatever he’d been doing abandoned to the autopilot.  “Um, duh? He worshipped the ground you walked on until you guys bonded over sniper rifles and blood spatter patterns or whatever, and now you make a pass at him?  You're lucky he could still speak.” 

            “Huh.”  The horrible sinking feeling that Joker might actually be right coursed through her.  “I never thought of it like that.” 

            He grinned and pretended to crack his knuckles.  “That’s why you have me.  Relationship guru and pilot extraordinaire.” 

            Shepard gave him a skeptical look and crossed her arms over her chest.  “So what do I do?” 

            The cocky grin evaporated.  “What? I don’t know!”  He stared at her, and Shepard gestured as if to say, _well?_   When he didn’t immediately reply, she dragged herself from the seat to pace the length of the cockpit. 

            He shifted his attention back to the controls in an attempt to buy time.  “Maybe you need something more, like normal.  A break from all this saving the galaxy shit.” 

            Shepard ran a hand over her face.  “Like, oh, say, savoring that last shot before popping the heat sink?”

            There was a long pause while Joker processed this before he turned to her, his eyes wide and horrified.  “Garrus did not seriously say that.” 

            “Oh yeah.” 

            “Good god.”  He cringed.  “Okay, so maybe not that? At least until you sort some of your mushy-gushy feelings out.” 

            “I do not have mushy feelings for Garrus.” 

            Joker was seized with a coughing fit, which sounded suspiciously like him muttering “bullshit!” 

            “I hate you,” she muttered, stalking away to bang her head against the airlock door. 

            He laughed.  “Say what you will, you came to me for advice.” 

            “Fine, oh Relationship Master,” she said, folding her hands and giving him a fake-sincere bow.  “What do you suggest?” 

            With a shrug, Joker swiveled back to the console. “I don’t know.  What do you soldier-badass types usually do for fun?” 

            “That,” Shepard said, thinking of how she’d spent her first shore-leave after basic.  Mostly naked, was her memory.  “Or we shoot things.” 

            He looked like he was trying not to imagine either of those scenarios.  “Well then…  yeah I got nothing.” 

            EDI, the continual uninvited guest to Shepard’s personal problems, blinked on like she’d been waiting for the chance to interject.  “Perhaps you could ask Dr. Solus for his advice, Shepard.  He may be able to provide more insight into inter-species relationships.” 

            Joker spun around to glare at the hologram, almost kicking her in his haste.  “Shut it, thing! She needs date ideas, not a diagram!” 

            Shepard smirked.  A diagram wasn’t the worst idea she’d heard, and all things considered, it may in fact be useful.  “Actually…” 

            Her incredulous pilot gave her yet another horrified look.  “Oh sweet baby Jesus, if you need a diagram, I am so done with this conversation.” 

            “No, no, not yet at least.”  Joker mimed vomiting all over the Normandy’s controls.  “But maybe we could go shooting, you know? Like…” 

            “A date?”  He raised his eyebrows.  “No offense, Commander, but maybe being dead has damaged your seduction skills.  First you proposition the guy, now you want to shoot things… It needs work.” 

            “Evidence suggests that both the Commander and Officer Vakarian find this activity very relaxing.  In this context, that may be a significantly desirable outcome,” EDI added. 

            There was silence while she and Joker exchanged looks before the pilot’s face split into a broad grin. 

            “EDI, I think you just made a sex pun.” 

            Shepard chuckled.  “Are AI’s even capable of that?’ 

            “Puns?  Yes.  Sex.  I don’t know.”  EDI started to say something before Joker shouted, “Don't answer that!” 

            When the AI finally spoke, Shepard could have sworn she sounded insulted.  “I will have you know that several crew members on the ship have commented on finding my voice sexually arousing.” 

            “Oh god, my ears,” Joker groaned, hands over said ears. 

            Crewmates sexually harassing the ship’s AI was one command situation Shepard had never expected to find herself in.  “…We’ll have to deal with that later, EDI.  For now,” she turned back to Joker.  “Date ideas?” 

            “Right.”  The pilot shivered, obviously still trying to banish the thought of what his crewmates might be saying – or heaven forbid, doing – to his ship.  “Um.  Anything but shooting.  Or that heat sink thing, because ew.” 

            Ignoring this last bit, she leaned on the back of his chair, staring off into the stars.  "I'm not sure I've ever been on a real date before." 

            Joker snorted.  "Big surprise there." 

            "Hey!"  She knocked his hat off into his lap again, sending him scrambling to protect his hair. 

            "Kidding, Commander," he grumbled as he replaced it. 

            "Granted, it's been a while, and both of them were really weird, but still…" 

            Joker's muffled laughter reached her ears, and he quickly feigned a cough to cover it up.  "Why, uh, why don't you try something normal then?  Take a break?" 

            Shepard groaned.  If she heard one more person suggest a break, she was going to feed them to a varren.  "Like…" 

            "I don't know!" 

            "You're no help at all." 

            "Grab take-out and stream a Blasto vid?" 

            "…do turians think Blasto is funny?"

            "No idea," he laughed.  "How about a romantic walk through the Presidium?  Oh wait, that's still recovering from your _last_ visit." 

            Shepard rolled her eyes so hard, she was in danger of losing one. 

            Joker must have sensed her displeasure.  "Hey, you could always just go ask Mordin for those diagrams." 

            “Some help you are.”  She straightened, pondering her options.  Maybe something like a date would be good – if Garrus really was nervous, that might help him feel more relaxed with the whole situation.  Hell, it might help her; she’d never admit it, but, desirable or no, the thought of seeing her best friend naked was (as Joker put it) intimidating as shit.  Anything that might make them feel less awkward had to be worth a try. 

            “Seriously, Joker,” she said, bumping her fist gently against his shoulder.  “Thank you.” 

            She couldn’t see him, but she was sure he grinned.  “Anytime, Commander.” 

            Heading back to her cabin for a little research seemed like a good plan of action, but she couldn’t help overhearing as Joker turned to the AI. 

“So EDI, who wants to pop your heat sink?”  She groaned; of course that would be the pilot’s go-to phrasing now.  Garrus was going to kill her. 

She couldn’t hear the response, but the pilot’s triumphant “I knew it!” was more than enough to make her feel better, and she laughed all the way to her cabin. 

            A date. 

            For her and Garrus. 

            Commander Shepard and Archangel. 

            If she could take down a rogue Spectre and a Reaper, surely she could figure this out. 

            She sighed.  At least she had diagrams for after.      

 

**Author's Note:**

> There is now a [companion fic](http://archiveofourown.org/works/8425348) to this story if you're interested. Thank you to several people who wanted to know how Garrus' side of things went for inspiring me!


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